: Don't laugh, Et, this really happened:

: I was working night shift in the lab many years ago. I was
: performing an analysis which included doing an ether extraction
: to remove an oil coating on a textile product. I was dog-tired
: at the time. Once the extraction time was completed, I removed
: the flask containing the ether soaked textile from the
: distillation apparatus and took it to the lab bench where I
: would remove the soaked textile. From there it was supposed to
: go into an oven where it would be dried for one hour, then
: weighed and the % oil calculated. I was so damned tired that I
: was not thinking well. I just happened to have a bunsen burner
: lit in a fume hood and thought to myself, perhaps I could
: minimize the drying time by just holding the ether soaked stuff
: over the flame, not too closely but just enough to git that
: darned thing to dry. I retrieved some conveniently located tongs
: and grabbed the ball of textile material (celulose acetate) and
: held it over the burner. Everything was going well for about 10
: second then suddenly, and not too surprisingly, the whole ball
: of wax (figuratively speaking, of course) caught fire. I stood
: there dumb-founded for a few seconds then with incredible
: swiftness of misaligned thought, I pulled the flaming ball of
: celulose acetate out of the fume hood and tossed it onto the
: floor.

: Here's where I was vying hard for a Darwin Award:

: Once the brilliant ball of fire was on the floor quietly burning
: away, I immediately realized that if anyone of consequence
: walked into the lab, my ass would be grass, so I immediately
: stomped the burning ball of anxiety with my right foot. Anyone
: who understands the concept of flamable limits works will
: understand that the actual ball of cellulose acetate was not on
: fire, only the ether vapours surrounding it were. By stomping on
: the soaking ball of stuff, I squished out the liquid ether from
: inside the mass of difficulties underfoot. Once the liquid ether
: was exposed to the air, it immediately evaporated and the
: gaseous ether enveloped my entire right foot (booted for
: safety). The newly formed envelope of ether immediately caught
: fire as I looked down at my foot. The flames jumped almost to
: knee height so that all I could see was FIRRRRRRRRRE down thare.

: Doing the Safety Dance:

: Once the fire blanketed my foot and part of my leg, I immediately
: pulled my foot off the ball of fire and "shook a leg"
: hard and fast, stamping my foot on the floor as much as possible
: (for no apparently effective reason other than it seemed right
: to do so). The ether cloud around my foot and leg burned out
: quickly and I turned my attention back to the still burning ball
: of fuzz (cellulose acetate is like cotton in the form I was
: working with). I scratched my head as I wondered what the hell
: to do to make this problem fade into nothingness. Remember, I
: was working NIGHT SHIFT, so my thinking process was dim at best,
: especially this night (obviously, eh!). Finally, I came up with
: an effective solution: get something big and flat, anything, and
: lay it over top with gentle pressure so as not to squeeze out
: the ether but to suffocate the f***ing fire. I used a piece of
: metal we kept in the lab and snuffed the problem spot out
: quickly.

: How do I save my test?

: Once the flames were out, I mopped my somewhat damp forehead and
: stared at the ball of fuzz on the floor. It looked as if I had
: just dropped it there accidently...it had not melted or
: anything...there was no indication anywhere that a fire had just
: been put out. I picked it up with pinched fingers to possibly
: save it so that I could complete my test. I examined it for
: damage, none seen, and considered if it was er, prudent (pun
: intended) to use it to get the test done. Considering that I had
: no idea how much of the fuzz had been lost during my safety
: dance and not knowing how much dirt it picked up off the
: well-used floor, I opted to get a new sample and repeat the
: test.

: The Truth Comes Out:

: I did not tell anyone about this attempt to win the Darwin Award
: for over 20 years. This is only the second time I have ever told
: this story.

: Moral: Fire and organic solvents do not mix, not even while working
: night shift.

: Robert (Darwi)N('s loss) Pruden

Robert

You strike me as a potential customer. I can be reached at 911.

Captain Kirk