Boat Building Forum

Find advice on all aspects of building your own kayak, canoe or any lightweight boats

Proper tools ? Humor - off topic? you be the judge...
By:Brian C.
Date: 9/17/1998, 1:33 pm

I don't suppose anyone on the BB has a 'proper' list of tools for Kayak/Canoe building?

This is also to let the BB know that, yes I _do_ have a sence of humor ;)

10 Best Tools of All Time

Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; its never been there when you need it. Besides there are only 10 things in this world you need to fix any car, any place, any time.

1.Duct Tape Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in stickum and plastic. It's safety wire, body material,

radiator hose, upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more - in an easy to carry package. Sure, there's prejudice

surrounding duct tape in concours competitions, but in the real world, everything from LeMans-winning Porsches to

Atlas rockets use it by the yard. The only thing that can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter and a phone

booth. 2.Vice Grips Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling wire twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts and

wiggle-it-til-it-falls-off tool. The heavy artillery of your tool box, vice grips are the only tool designed

expressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair. 3.Spray Lubricants A considerably cheaper alternative to new doors, alternator, and other squeaky items. Slicker than

pig phlegm, repeated soakings will allow the main hull bolts of the Andrea Doria to be removed by hand. Strangely

enough, an integral part of these sprays is the infamous Little Red Tube that flies out of the nozzle if you look at

it cross eyed (one of the 10 _worst_ tools of all time). 4.Margarine Tubs with Clear Lids If you spend all your time under the hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed off

the pertal valve when you knocked both off the air cleaner, it's because you eat butter. Real mechanics consume

pounds of tasteless vegetable oil replicas just so they can use the empty tubs for parts containers afterward. (Some

of course chuck the butter-colored goo altogether or use it to repack wheel bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and

radiator lips, margarine tubs aren't connected by a time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe of Lost Frendle

Pins. 5.Big Rock at the Side of the Road Block up a tire. Smack corroded battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop noisy

know-it-all types on the noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw banging power of granite

or limestone. This is the only tool with which a "Made in Malaysia" emblem is not synonymous with the user's

maiming. 6.Plastic Zip Ties After 20 years of lashing down stray hose and wiring with old bread ties, some genius brought a

slightly slicked-up version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip ties can transform a hulking mass of amateur-

quality wiring from a working model of the Brazilian Rain Forest into something remotely resembling a wiring

harness. Of course it works both ways. When buying a used car, subtract $100 for each zip tie under the hood. 7.Ridiculously Large Craftsman Screwdriver Let's admit it. There's nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting,

breaking, splitting or mutilating than a huge flatbladed screwdriver, particularly when wielded with gusto and a big

hammer. This is also the tool of choice for all filters so insanely located that they can only be removed by driving

a stake in one side and out the other. If you break the screwdriver--and you will just like Dad and your shop

teacher said--who cares, it has a lifetime guarantee. 8.Baling Wire Commonly known as MG muffler brackets, baling wire holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like

duct tape, it's not recommended for concours contenders, since it works so well you'll never need to replace it with

the right thing again. Baling wire is a sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly with the MG, Triumph, and

flathead Ford set. 9.Bonking Stick This monstrous tuning fork with devilish pointy ends is technically known as a tie-rod separator, but

how often do you separate tie-rod ends? Once every decade if you're lucky. Other than medieval combat, its real use

is the all-purpose application of undue force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature doesn't

know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand up to a good bonking stick. (Can also be use to

separate tie-rod ends in a pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of it). 10.A Quarter and a Phone Booth See tip #1 above.

-- Origin regretfully unknown

Peter Egan's Tool Dictionary

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate

expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door;

works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it

also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that

goes to the rear axle.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a

crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future


VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense

welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of

the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter

fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.

ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetelene torch.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars an motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding

six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it

smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Snap-On Tool Calender over

the bench grinder.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.

Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django


HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports

lowered road springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting

dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill


TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch

lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined

screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your

toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.


TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D,

"the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is

to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the

first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your

shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round-out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it

into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last

tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.

Peter Egan [Road & Track]

Messages In This Thread

Proper tools ? Humor - off topic? you be the judge...
Brian C. -- 9/17/1998, 1:33 pm
Re: Proper tools ? Humor - off topic? you be the judge...
Jerry Weinraub -- 9/18/1998, 7:54 pm
The Best
Mike R -- 9/18/1998, 9:23 pm
duct tape. Luke use the duct tape.
R. N. Sabolevsky -- 9/17/1998, 11:46 pm
Re: Proper tools ? Humor - off topic? you be the judge...
Paul A. Lambert -- 9/17/1998, 4:30 pm
Re: Proper tools ? Humor - off topic? you be the judge...
Rick VanBuren -- 9/17/1998, 4:35 pm
Stephen Bumb -- 9/17/1998, 9:49 pm
Re: Proper Humor - off topic?
Mark Kanzler -- 9/17/1998, 3:02 pm